I
easily relate to the concept of God as a tower of refuge because my
favourite place as a little girl was on my father’s shoulders. Each time
I sat there towering above the world, I was confident nothing could
harm me. For me, that was the safest place in the world. With my
‘hero’ father’s hands clasped firmly around my dangling ankles, I felt I
could take on the world.
I am able to appreciate the deep bond between Daddies
and their little girls. This is why I understood perfectly why
Chioma* was deeply resentful of her father and the men-folk in general.
I tried to establish rapport with her
but she was clearly resistant. All she wanted was to rehash her
vendetta. In very clear terms, she told me that with the help of some
neighbourhood touts, she was planning to ‘take out’ her boss because he
had sexually harassed her.
She was furious as she spoke, “How
dare he touch me with those filthy hands? He thinks he can have any
woman he wants? Is it not because of where I am? If my life had not
become like this, will he dare? By the time I am done with him, he will
know himself… just because he has money abi? He will soon see”
When I clarified that her boss hadn’t
succeeded in raping her, I felt that Chioma’s reaction was both
excessive and inordinate for a girl in her late twenties. When I delved
further, I found out that many years ago, after Chioma’s father had
made some money and he abandoned his family. His change in status made
him start to feel that his wife and family were no longer good enough
for him. He left them in Lagos and moved to Abuja where he married
another woman. He cut off all contact with them, stopped paying their
school fees and didn’t bother at all with their upkeep.
Chioma’s mother had struggled to raise
her 3 children all by herself. As she was speaking, she broke down
completely. Instead of the savage-looking girl I had met earlier I saw a
little girl aching for her father. In between sobs she said, “I was
so shocked he could do that to me. I was his only daughter and I loved
him so much. He was my hero. I tried very hard to reach him but he even
stopped picking my calls. I can never ever trust any man again.They are
all very wicked. I hate them” she said in between sobs.
In deed, Chioma’s father had wounded her
very badly and she was still hurting. As a result, she had drawn the
line permanently between herself and men. She would never allow them
close to her. She was so bitter that she didn’t realize the enormity of
what she planned to do to her boss.
Bitterness is one of
the most destructive and toxic emotions. It is the result of a long-term
mismanagement of anger or rage and it permeates every relationship and
every new experience. It tangles life up so tightly that one is unable
to enjoy the present.
While I did not trivialize Chioma’s pain, I pointed out to her that she must make a decision to let go of her bitterness and resentment- for her own sake!
I explained to her that apart from developing physical symptoms like an
increased blood pressure, she might become depressed or worse still
lose valuable and enriching ‘connectedness’ with other people.
These are some of the TIPS I shared with Chioma to help her begin to mend the dad- shaped- hole in her heart:
- Reflect on the facts of the situation, how she has reacted and how it could affect HER health and well being.
- Move away from her role as victim and try to see her father as an imperfect man with weaknesses and his own perspective on life.
- Reflect on the times she has hurt others and those that have had to forgive her.
- Prayerfully break the control and power her Dad and this situation have had in her life.
- Actively choose to forgive him.
I can’t guarantee Chioma that her Dad
will want to be reconciled to her but I know that even where
reconciliation isn’t possible, forgiveness suffices.
*No real names or identifying details.
_________________________________________________________________________________Chiadi Ndu was called to the Nigerian Bar in 1987. She has a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology and a Diploma in Stress management. She works as a Pre- Divorce Concilliator, hosts a radio programme – Behind the Heart on Inspiration FM and also writes a relationship Counselling column – Bridges on Sunday in Sunday Thisday newspaper. She’s married with three lovely children
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